They said DeFi was easy.
“Just stake your tokens, farm rewards, and print money while you sleep.”
What they didn’t say was:
You’ll wake up broke, confused, and emotionally entangled with a bridge named Wormhole.
So I did it.
I went full goblin.
Twelve chains. Twelve farms. One mission: yield or bust.
Step 1: Bridge Everything
I bridged from Ethereum to Arbitrum to Optimism to zkSync to Scroll to Base to Blast to some testnet I can’t even pronounce.
Each one cost $9.38 in gas and a piece of my soul.
My wallet started looking like a crime scene:
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$1.27 on one chain
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$0.46 trapped in a farm with no harvest button
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And $14.02 “pending” since Thursday
At some point I bridged into a chain with zero tokens, zero dApps, and one lonely governance proposal.
I voted just to feel something.
Step 2: Pick the Jankiest Farms
I wasn’t chasing blue-chip DeFi.
No, I was in the back alleys of the blockchain:
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Pools with 6000% APR and spelling errors
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Farms that paid rewards in a token only tradable on Tuesdays
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“AI Yield Generators” that looked like they were coded in MS Paint
One pool promised “auto-compounding vault loops.”
What it did was trap my funds and loop me into a Telegram scam.
Step 3: Monitor Everything, All the Time
I had 14 tabs open.
Each one showing a different farm, each screaming for attention like neglected Tamagotchis.
My phone buzzed constantly with price alerts, failed transactions, and one mysterious message that just said, “Good luck.”
Step 4: Panic
The yield dropped.
The pools drained.
The bridge fees doubled.
One of the tokens I earned had 4 holders.
Two were me.
One was the contract.
The fourth was named “rugged4life.eth.”
Final Tally:
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Profit: $3.08 (still pending)
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Gas fees: $89.16
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Time wasted: 14 hours and one relationship
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Lesson learned:
Never trust a farm with Comic Sans in the UI.
Conclusion?
I survived. Barely.
And I learned something valuable:
If your yield farming strategy involves a flowchart, five bridges, and a prayer,
you’re not farming—you’re playing DeFi roulette with wet matches.
Stay fried, stay fragile, stay Goblin.
– A.B. Gobling
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