It started like any normal Tuesday:
I was outside, zip-tying a fan to my mining rig next to the garden hose, when my neighbor leans over the fence and asks:
“So… what is crypto, exactly?”
Big mistake.
Because I tried to explain.
And somewhere between “permissionless ledger” and “staking derivatives on Layer 2 rollups,” I saw his pupils dilate and his soul attempt to leave his body.
I told him:
“It’s like money, but not real, and also more real, and also possibly illegal depending on who you ask.”
He asked:
“So it’s like stocks?”
I said:
“No, it’s like stocks if the company didn’t exist, the shares were made by a frog, and the board meetings happen in Discord at 3AM.”
He asked:
“Can you buy anything with it?”
I said:
“Yes, if what you want to buy is JPEGs, drama, or the chance to get rugged by someone named 0xSnipeGod420.”
He asked:
“Is it safe?”
I just laughed.
A long, empty laugh.
The kind you hear in war movies before the grenade lands.
Crypto, As Explained to a Normal Person:
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It’s the internet’s money... but it’s also a religion.
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Everyone’s broke, but also somehow millionaires.
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We build complex systems, then throw them in meme contests.
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We say “not financial advice,” and then offer it anyway.
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Every coin is either going to zero or to the moon—and usually both within 24 hours.
The End Result?
Now my neighbor waves slower.
His dog avoids me.
And yesterday, a plain-looking sedan circled the block twice.
But was it worth it?
Absolutely.
Because if I scared off one TradFi boomer and maybe got crypto added to a neighborhood watch newsletter, that’s a win in my book.
Stay misunderstood, stay suspicious, stay Goblin.
– A.B. Gobling
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