Broadcasting Live from a Wallet I Lost in 2017
Rise and shine, fellow degenerates, diamond-handed or otherwise!
It’s your local chain-stained goblin, back with the morning muck report. The sun is up (allegedly), your bags are still down (confirmed), and somewhere out there, an influencer just said “This is NOT financial advice” before financially advising you to remortgage your house for $PEPE69 derivatives.
⚙️MARKET SNAPSHOT (from a suspiciously flickering ledger screen):
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Bitcoin: Still cosplaying stability.
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Ethereum: Gas fees finally affordable… if you only need one lung.
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Dogwifhat: Wearing two hats now. Don’t ask.
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Your random bag: Flatlined like your uncle’s AOL email account.
☕ MORNING RANT: STAKING INTO THE VOID
I woke up today, checked my staking dashboard, and saw $0.00000012 in rewards. Amazing. At this rate, I’ll afford a packet of ramen in early 2087—if ramen still exists and hasn’t been tokenized into $NOODL.
The protocol says, “Rewards accumulate over time.” What it doesn’t say is that time is a flat circle, and in this circle, I am both the staker and the staked.
🧠 EDUCATIONAL BYTE: SLIPPAGE – OR WHY YOUR SWAPS HURT
Slippage is when you think you’re buying a token at one price, but by the time the transaction hits the chain, you're paying something else entirely. Kind of like ordering pizza and getting a single breadstick and a note that says, “Good luck, degen.”
Rule of thumb: the lower the liquidity, the higher the chance your swap becomes a financial prank.
📈 GOBLIN STRATEGY OF THE DAY
Today’s tip: Set a sell target before you buy the coin.
Otherwise, you’ll hold it forever, watching it pump, then dump, then rebrand as “MetaTurboAI Token 2.0,” and still believe it’s coming back.
I once held a coin through three rebrands and one criminal investigation. Still diamond hands, baby. Just with slightly more arthritis.
🪙 RANDOM COIN OF THE MORNING
$RUGROLL – A memecoin that promises “No rug, only sushi.”
Whitepaper written entirely in haiku. Community governed by a Discord bot named Carl.
Will it moon? Probably not. But the memes are delicious.
🔊 FINAL GOBLIN THOUGHT
“If you can’t spot the liquidity trap in the first five minutes, you are the liquidity.”
– Ancient Goblin Proverb (scratched into a burnt hard drive)
Until next time, keep your keys cold, your coins weird, and your protocols only mildly experimental.
Signed,
A.B. Gobling
Chief Morning Screamer
Live from the blockchain swamp
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