GOOD MORNING, CRYPTO WORLD

Broadcasting Live from a Wallet I Lost in 2017

Rise and shine, fellow degenerates, diamond-handed or otherwise!

It’s your local chain-stained goblin, back with the morning muck report. The sun is up (allegedly), your bags are still down (confirmed), and somewhere out there, an influencer just said “This is NOT financial advice” before financially advising you to remortgage your house for $PEPE69 derivatives.

⚙️MARKET SNAPSHOT (from a suspiciously flickering ledger screen):

• Bitcoin: Still cosplaying stability.

• Ethereum: Gas fees finally affordable… if you only need one lung.

• Dogwifhat: Wearing two hats now. Don’t ask.

• Your random bag: Flatlined like your uncle’s AOL email account.

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☕ MORNING RANT: STAKING INTO THE VOID

I woke up today, checked my staking dashboard, and saw $0.00000012 in rewards. Amazing. At this rate, I’ll afford a packet of ramen in early 2087—if ramen still exists and hasn’t been tokenized into $NOODL.

The protocol says, “Rewards accumulate over time.” What it doesn’t say is that time is a flat circle, and in this circle, I am both the staker and the staked.

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🧠 EDUCATIONAL BYTE: SLIPPAGE – OR WHY YOUR SWAPS HURT

Slippage is when you think you’re buying a token at one price, but by the time the transaction hits the chain, you're paying something else entirely. Kind of like ordering pizza and getting a single breadstick and a note that says, “Good luck, degen.”

Rule of thumb: the lower the liquidity, the higher the chance your swap becomes a financial prank.

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📈 GOBLIN STRATEGY OF THE DAY

Today’s tip: Set a sell target before you buy the coin.
Otherwise, you’ll hold it forever, watching it pump, then dump, then rebrand as “MetaTurboAI Token 2.0,” and still believe it’s coming back.

I once held a coin through three rebrands and one criminal investigation. Still diamond hands, baby. Just with slightly more arthritis.

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🪙 RANDOM COIN OF THE MORNING

$RUGROLL – A memecoin that promises “No rug, only sushi.”
Whitepaper written entirely in haiku. Community governed by a Discord bot named Carl.
Will it moon? Probably not. But the memes are delicious.

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🔊 FINAL GOBLIN THOUGHT

“If you can’t spot the liquidity trap in the first five minutes, you are the liquidity.”
– Ancient Goblin Proverb (scratched into a burnt hard drive)

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Until next time, keep your keys cold, your coins weird, and your protocols only mildly experimental.

Signed,
A.B. Gobling
Chief Morning Screamer
Live from the blockchain swamp

I Tried to Cold Store My Crypto… in an Actual Freezer

 

They told me to put my coins in “cold storage.”

So I did what any confused but enthusiastic goblin would do:
I printed my seed phrase, wrapped it in tinfoil, stuck it in a sandwich bag, and hid it in the back of my freezer—right between the expired fish sticks and a haunted Hot Pocket.

Problem solved, right?

Wrong.

The next time I checked, the bag was soggy, the ink had run, and my funds were now spiritually tied to a frostbitten lean cuisine lasagna.

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Gobling Lesson:
Cold storage doesn’t mean literal cold.

It means keeping your private keys offline—away from hackers, malware, and yes, even ice demons. Let’s break it down:

• Hot Wallets: Connected to the internet. Easy to use, easier to steal from.

• Cold Wallets: Not connected. Usually hardware wallets, paper wallets, or air-gapped devices.

• Not Cold Wallets: Your freezer. That coffee shop napkin. The inside of a haunted VHS case.

Want real cold storage?

• Use a hardware wallet like Ledger or Trezor.

• Back up your seed phrase with steel plates, not wet paper.

• Keep multiple backups, in safe places, not under your dog’s bed.

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Bonus Insert: Goblin’s Cold Storage Tier List

• S-tier: Hardware wallet + steel backup

• A-tier: Air-gapped computer

• B-tier: Well-hidden, laminated paper wallet

• C-tier: The freezer (if you're also a wizard)

• F-tier: Tattooed on your ex

How I Accidentally Bought a Governance Token and Became the Dictator of a Dead DAO

They said crypto was about decentralization. About freedom. About not trusting banks. So naturally, when I stumbled into a Telegram chat full of raccoon-themed avatars talking about "restoring power to the people," I smashed BUY on their governance token: $SCAVENGE.

What nobody told me was that:

1. The devs had left six months ago.

2. The multisig wallet hadn’t signed anything since Joe Biden’s last coherent sentence.

3. And I had just bought enough tokens to become the only voter left in the entire DAO.

Suddenly, I had full proposal rights. So I did what any rational goblin would do:

• Proposal 1: Rename the project “TrashDAO.” Passed unanimously (1-0).

• Proposal 2: Airdrop 1,000,000 tokens to a wallet labeled “Goblin Retirement Fund.” Passed.

• Proposal 3: Burn the rest of the supply out of spite. Passed.

• Proposal 4: Close governance forever with a meme of a dumpster on fire. Passed and pinned.

That’s how I went from wide-eyed degen to authoritarian trash lord in 72 hours.

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Gobling Lesson:
Governance tokens often grant real voting power in DAOs. But without active participation and transparency, many DAOs become ghost towns with tokens that don’t do much. Before investing in one:

• Check activity: Are proposals recent? Are they being voted on?

• Look at treasury transparency: Can you see where funds are going?

• Examine multisig wallets: Are they active?

• Avoid cults of personality: If the project relies on one dev or influencer, run.

Unless you want to be left sweeping up the ashes of a raccoon kingdom, do your homework.

I Trusted a Clown With My Crypto and Now I’m Financially Honking

 

They said the project was legit.
They said the dev team was “transparent.”
They said the roadmap was “a circus of innovation.”

I didn’t realize they meant that literally.

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The Red Nose Onboarding

The website was loud.
Flashing gifs. Rainbow gradients.
The token? $HONK.
The mission? “Bring joy and decentralized balloon mechanics to the blockchain.”

I should’ve run.
Instead, I clicked “Connect Wallet.”

A pop-up appeared:

“Do you trust this clown?”

I clicked yes.

Like a fool.
Like a clown.
Like family.

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Staking With Seltzer

I staked my $HONK tokens in something called the Pie Vault.
Every day I earned more $HONK.
Or so I thought.

Turns out the vault was just a JPEG of a pie.
And the APR was calculated with a rubber chicken algorithm.

There was a Discord.
It was just clown emojis and one guy yelling “HONK FOR PUMP” every 3 hours.

I asked when the dApp was launching.
A mod replied with a link to a YouTube video titled “Clowns Falling Down Compilation 2016.”

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Rug of the Century

Then came the announcement:

“Phase 2: Chaos Protocol Activation.”

What followed was:

• Airdrops of invisible NFTs

• A DAO vote to replace governance with banana peels

• The founder, Gigglechain, disappearing in a puff of digital confetti

When I checked my wallet, it said:
“Assets: 1 Nose. Value: 🤡”

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Final Thoughts

Crypto is full of clowns.
But this time?
The clown was organized.
The clown had branding.
The clown had honking tokenomics.

And I fell for it.

So if you’re reading this while considering a “playful, community-first meme token experience”...

Run.

Or at least make sure the devs aren’t wearing size 34 shoes.

Stay skeptical, stay sad, stay goblin.
– A.B. Gobling

I Tried Explaining Crypto to My Landlord (Now I Pay Rent in Regret)

 

It started with good intentions.

“Why not,” I thought, “enlighten my landlord about the future of finance?” I imagined a tear rolling down his cheek as I explained decentralized governance. I thought maybe I’d get a discount on rent for being a visionary.

What actually happened was... worse.

I showed him my MetaMask. He asked if it was a dating app. I showed him my staking rewards. He asked if I was doing something illegal. I tried to explain that I don’t technically own my tokens when they’re on a centralized exchange. He told me I didn’t technically pay rent this month either.

The conversation hit rock bottom when I tried to convince him to accept rent in $PEPE. “It’s a meme coin,” I said. “It’s culturally significant.” He asked if I wanted to live under a culturally significant bridge.

Now every time I pass him, he mutters something about tulips and snake oil. And I’m not allowed to use the building Wi-Fi anymore because “you might be mining frogs in there.”

Moral of the story?
Not everyone wants to be early. Some people just want their rent in cash and their internet free of amphibians.

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Goblin Tip of the Day:
When talking crypto to normies, start small. Maybe not with frog coins, burner wallets, and a DAO run by a goat.

I Joined a DAO and Now I Owe a Goat My Voting Power

 

I knew it was a bad idea the moment I clicked “Join DAO.”
But they said it was “community-governed,”
They said it was “decentralized decision-making,”
They said I’d be “shaping the future.”

What they didn’t say was:
The treasury was already spent on pixelated frogs and the governance process is run by a goat.

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Step 1: Getting Involved

The Discord was 84 channels deep.
I joined. I introduced myself. I got 9 reaction emojis and 3 scam DMs.

Next thing I know, someone airdropped me a token called "GOATPOWER" and said,

“Congrats, you’re eligible to vote on the pasture expansion proposal.”

Pasture?

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Step 2: Governance Theater

Turns out the DAO was originally for a staking protocol.
Then it became a meme coin.
Then it became a game.
Then it pivoted to “on-chain animal husbandry.”

I asked what we were actually building.
Someone sent a gif of a goat eating a Ledger wallet.
The founder heart-reacted and said “that’s the vibe.”

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Step 3: My First Vote

Proposal #48:

“Should we lease a goat from a local farm and make it the mascot-slash-oracle?”

Against my better judgment… I voted yes.

Now there’s a goat named Kevin.
He wears sunglasses.
He has his own wallet.
He’s currently the top delegate.

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Step 4: The Rug Grows Near

Then came Proposal #69:

“Transfer 80% of treasury to Kevin’s wallet to explore pasture-based liquidity staking.”

I voted no.

Kevin voted yes.

Kevin won.

Treasury drained.

Now I get governance alerts that just say:

“Kevin has spoken.”

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Final Thoughts

DAOs are great in theory.
In practice, you’re one goat vote away from oblivion.

If your DAO:

• Has no clear roadmap

• Uses emojis instead of voting logic

• Has a mascot with more voting power than the devs

Run.

Or don’t.
Because honestly?
Kevin's still the most consistent leader I've seen in this space.

Stay decentralized, stay doomed, stay Goblin.
– A.B. Gobling

I Tried to Farm Yield on 12 Chains at Once and Now My Brain Has a Gas Fee

 

They said DeFi was easy.

“Just stake your tokens, farm rewards, and print money while you sleep.”

What they didn’t say was:
You’ll wake up broke, confused, and emotionally entangled with a bridge named Wormhole.

So I did it.
I went full goblin.
Twelve chains. Twelve farms. One mission: yield or bust.

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Step 1: Bridge Everything

I bridged from Ethereum to Arbitrum to Optimism to zkSync to Scroll to Base to Blast to some testnet I can’t even pronounce.
Each one cost $9.38 in gas and a piece of my soul.

My wallet started looking like a crime scene:

• $1.27 on one chain

• $0.46 trapped in a farm with no harvest button

• And $14.02 “pending” since Thursday

At some point I bridged into a chain with zero tokens, zero dApps, and one lonely governance proposal.
I voted just to feel something.

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Step 2: Pick the Jankiest Farms

I wasn’t chasing blue-chip DeFi.
No, I was in the back alleys of the blockchain:

• Pools with 6000% APR and spelling errors

• Farms that paid rewards in a token only tradable on Tuesdays

• “AI Yield Generators” that looked like they were coded in MS Paint

One pool promised “auto-compounding vault loops.”
What it did was trap my funds and loop me into a Telegram scam.

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Step 3: Monitor Everything, All the Time

I had 14 tabs open.
Each one showing a different farm, each screaming for attention like neglected Tamagotchis.

My phone buzzed constantly with price alerts, failed transactions, and one mysterious message that just said, “Good luck.”

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Step 4: Panic

The yield dropped.
The pools drained.
The bridge fees doubled.

One of the tokens I earned had 4 holders.
Two were me.
One was the contract.
The fourth was named “rugged4life.eth.”

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Final Tally:

• Profit: $3.08 (still pending)

• Gas fees: $89.16

• Time wasted: 14 hours and one relationship

• Lesson learned:

Never trust a farm with Comic Sans in the UI.

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Conclusion?

I survived. Barely.
And I learned something valuable:

If your yield farming strategy involves a flowchart, five bridges, and a prayer,
you’re not farming—you’re playing DeFi roulette with wet matches.

Stay fried, stay fragile, stay Goblin.
– A.B. Gobling